Funny Jokes and Stories
Gone with the Wind
The curtain opens and there’s a thin woman and a fat woman. The curtain is closed, reopened, and only leaves the fat woman. What’s the movie?
Gone with the Wind
Tonto, No, and None
There were three friends named Tonto, No, and None.
Tonto goes and tells the police: “Nobody fell down the well and None is helping him.”
Then the police replied: “Are you stupid?”
Tonto says: “Yes, Mucho gusto!”
The Baby Sitter
This was a nurse who returns from a walk in the park with the baby. She comes home and the mother is surprised that she’s bringing another baby. The sitter is asked anxiously: “What happened? Why didn’t you bring my son and instead bring this child?”
And the nurse replied: “Madam, you told me if the baby gets dirty, switch him.”
The Drunken Friends
It was once two drunks who go to bed to sleep on a bunk bed. The drunk who is at the top of the bunk, before sleep, begins to pray: “With God I sleep, I wake up with God, the Virgin Mary, and the Holy Spirit.”
He falls off the bunk and the drunk who is on the bottom says: “See? That is what happens when you’re sleeping with so many people!”
The Pig’s Head
A lady enters the shop and says: “Give me that pig’s head there.”
And the butcher replied: “Excuse me, ma’am, but that is a mirror.”
The Dentist
There comes a patient to the dentist with a tooth discomfort. The dentist revises it and then the patient asks: “Will I lose my tooth, doctor?”
The dentist replies: “That I do not know, sir. I’ll deliver it in a bag, and if you lose it, that’s your problem.”
The Ugly Contest
It was a lady so ugly, but so ugly that when she entered an ugly contest they said: “Sorry, we do not accept professionals.”
The Bathroom Conversation
A man was in a restaurant and while going to the bathroom, he saw another person take the same path. Upon entering the bathroom, he watched as the other person entered one of the two cubicles, which were of those that do not reach the ceiling. He, of course, went into the other.
Suddenly, he hears: “Hello!”
He kept silent, but the guy again: “Hello! Are you listening?”
He, not to seem rude, answered: “Hello!”
And the guy asks: “How are you?”
To which he replied: “Well, thanks, a little tired.”
And the guy says: “What are you doing?”
He was already intrigued, thinking, people are always very rare in this world, and answered: “What should I be doing? Like you, pooping!”
Immediately he hears: “Honey, I’ll call you later because I have an idiot in the next stall, answering all my questions!”
The Immature Apples
There are plenty of apples on a tree and suddenly one falls. All of the above begin to laugh and make fun of the one that has fallen and it answers: “Do not laugh, I’m mature!”
Christmas Gift
A child waiting impatiently for Christmas to come, wants to see what his father is going to give him. He breaks down and asks him: “Dad, Dad, what are you going to give me for Christmas?”
The father says: “What did I give you last year?”
The child replies: “A balloon.”
The father says: “Well, this year you inflate it.”
The Parrots
A lady goes to church to confess and takes advantage of speaking with the priest and said: “Father, I have two parrots that all they say is: ‘We are prostitutes and we enjoy!’ I’m embarrassed when they visit my house and the parrots just say those bad words.”
The father says: “Do not worry, bring the two parrots. I have two parrots which are very well educated, pray, and read the Bible. It is likely that my parrots will teach them good things.”
The lady says: “Very good idea.”
The next day comes the lady with the parrots and the priest says: “Give them to me.”
He put them in the cage with his parrots. The parrots were praying and saying good things when one of the lady’s parrots rises and tells his brother: “Put that Bible and rosary away! Our prayers have been answered!”
The Mother-in-Law and the Beer
A married couple was arguing and the husband says: “Your mom is to blame for everything!”
The wife answers: “Yes, I know you do not like my mom.”
The husband replies: “Who doesn’t like your mother? I like her like beer.”
The wife, knowing her husband’s passion for beer, says with a tone of interrogation: “Do you love my mother like a beer?”
The husband replies: “Yes, I love your mother like beer, because I love her cold, with her mouth open, and frothing.”
Luisito, Pedrito, and Juanito
The teacher is distributing the grades:
- Luisito, a ten.
- Pedrito, an eight.
- Juanito, a six.
- Louie, a zero.
Louie asks: “Hey professor, why did I get a zero?”
The teacher replies: “Because you copied the exam from Pedrito.”
Louie asks: “How do you know?”
The teacher says: “The first four questions are the same, and the last question Pedrito replied: ‘That, I do not know’ and you put ‘Me neither.'”
Louie and the Militia
Louie’s mother told him to be careful in the militia. When they ask you your age, say: 20 and when asked your name say: Jaime and otherwise respond “Sir, yes sir.”
When Louie gets to the militia, the general asks: “Name?” Louie replies: “20.” The general asks: “Age?” Louie replies: “Jaime.” The general says: “You think I’m stupid?” Louie replies: “Sir, yes sir.”