Laugh Out Loud: A Collection of Hilarious Jokes and Short Stories
Funny Anecdotes
I asked God for a flower and He gave me a garden. I asked for a tree and He gave me a forest. I asked for a good powder and He gave me your phone number. It depends on you to remain faithful.
Police found a body burned, with false teeth, a wig, sagging breasts, and a deformed ass…please reply to this message to let me know you’re okay.
I read your horoscope for 2007. Health: the stars smile. Money: the stars smile. Sex: the stars are shit laughing.
As a child, God gave me the choice between having an incredible memory or a giant dick, and I don’t remember what I chose.
You know that the whistle can be male or female? If it measures more than 12cm, it’s a penis. If it measures less than 12cm, it’s a pity.
One day I read that smoking was bad and I quit smoking. One day I read that drinking was bad and I quit drinking. One day I read that lameness was bad and I quit reading.
Hilarious Jokes
A man enters the confessional in a church.
Man: Father, I want to confess.
Priest: Yes, child, tell me what are your sins?
Man: I have been unfaithful to my wife. I am a film producer. Last week I slept with Jennifer Lopez, and this week I had a super hot orgy with Cameron Diaz and Cindy Crawford at the same time.
Priest: Sorry, son, but I cannot acquit you.
Man: But…why not, Father? God’s mercy is infinite.
Priest: Neither God nor I am going to believe you’re sorry.
—
A friend tells another:
Friend 1: Do you think that when women have sex with us, they do it for love or interest?
Friend 2: Mine does it for love…
Friend 1: How are you so sure?
Friend 2: Because she’s not interested.
—
A very young rebel, recently released, walks into a bar completely naked. He stands in front of the waiter and says:
Rebel: Give me a cold beer!
The waiter stared him up and down…
Waiter: What is it?
Rebel: You’ve never seen a naked woman?
Waiter: Yes, many times.
Rebel: And then you look?
Waiter: I’m looking to see where you’re going to get the money for the beer.
—
Q: What is the difference between the lover and the wife?
A: 30 kilos.
—
Q: What is the difference between the lover and the husband?
A: 30 minutes.
—
Q: What is the punishment for bigamy?
A: Having two mothers-in-law.
—
Q: What is the difference between a terrorist and a mother?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
—
A married couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, and the wife asks her husband:
Wife: My love, what are you going to give me for our silver wedding anniversary?
Husband: A trip to China.
The woman was surprised by the magnitude of the gift and asks:
Wife: But my love, if you give me this for 25 years, what are you going to do when we turn 50?
Husband: I’ll come and get you.
—
A bride and groom arrive at their honeymoon suite, and the groom tells the bride:
Groom: My love…you’re not a virgin!
Bride: And your Saint Joseph wasn’t a carpenter, and this isn’t a manger!
—
An elderly couple is arguing.
Husband: When you die, I will buy a headstone that reads: “Here lies my wife, as cold as usual.”
Wife: And I’m going to write: “Here lies my husband, finally stiff.”
—
An Italian man was in the hospital waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes out and says:
Doctor: Congratulations, they were quintuplets!
The man, shocked, responds:
Man: Is that because I have a gun?!
Doctor: Let me rephrase that, because they’ve all come out black.
—
Some friends are at a bar. Peter arrives badly beaten, and John says:
John: Who beat you up?
Peter: My wife.
John: What happened? Did you hit her while reversing or something?
Peter: No, brother, I got beaten because I got home dressed as Superman.
John: Like Superman? Did you fly?
Peter: No, I came in with my underpants over my trousers.
—
Man: Maria, 15 years ago we were so happy…
Maria: But we didn’t even know each other!
Man: That’s why, Maria…that’s why.
—
A drunk man enters a bar, gets in the middle of the room, and yells:
Drunk Man: Everyone on my right is a cuckold…and everyone on my left is a jerk!
Then a guy stands up, furious:
Angry Guy: Get a grip, moron, I’m not a jerk!
And the drunk replies:
Drunk Man: Then go stand on my right, cuckold!
—
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that’s a hardware problem.
—
A guy comes home from work and finds his wife in bed with another man. He says:
Husband: Who is this?
Wife: This is the man who pays the water bill, the electricity bill, the children’s school fees…
Husband: Well, cover him up, we don’t want him to catch a cold!
—
A man comes home drunk at two in the morning, unable to find his keys. He stands at the door and starts shouting:
Man: Abracadabra!
His wife wakes up. The man yells again, louder:
Man: Abracadabra!
The woman, fed up, looks out the window and says:
Wife: There’s no Abracadabra! What do you want?
The man looks at her, thinks for a second, and responds:
Man: Oh, sorry! Honey, open the door…I left the keys inside.
—
Patient: What’s up, Doc?
Doctor: You’ve got a graft in your testicles.
Patient: Ah yes, that was twelve years ago in Germany.
Doctor: Well, you have one made of wood and one made of steel.
Patient: And what is your diagnosis?
Doctor: Hmmm…you may not be able to have children.
Patient: Why not? My son, Pinocchio Robocop, is three years old and had his first communion last month.
—
Two drunk men are walking down the street when a guard passes by. He sees one of them sticking his finger up the other’s ass and asks:
Guard: Hey, what are you doing there?
Man 1: You see, I’m putting my finger up his ass.
Guard: What for?
Man 1: To make him vomit.
Guard: Man, how is he going to vomit by you putting your finger up his ass?
Man 1: You’ll see when you take your thumb out of my ass and put it in your mouth.
—
Two friends are talking on the street, and one says:
Friend 1: The other day I went with Peter…
The other friend interrupts:
Friend 2: Peter and I went…
Friend 1: So I wasn’t there or what?!
—
A friend asks another who has just gotten married:
Friend 1: So, how is your wife in the culinary arts?
Friend 2: Stunning! And she can cook well too.
—
A patient goes to the doctor and says:
Patient: Doctor, I hate everybody. My family, you, me, everybody.
Doctor: Why are you telling me this?
Patient: Aren’t you supposed to hate me, Doctor?
Doctor: Just keep talking, I’m listening.
—
A woman complains to another:
Woman 1: Last night, your son got drunk and started peeing on my doorstep. He even wrote his name with the stream!
Woman 2: Yes, but the handwriting looks like my daughter’s.
—
Two drunk men are walking down the street at night. Passing by a house, one sees enormous trousers lying on the balcony and tells the other:
Drunk 1: You’ll never guess whose pants those are!
Drunk 2: No, whose?
Drunk 1: Those pants belong to my wife!
Drunk 2: How do you know?
The first drunk starts shouting out the window:
Drunk 1: Hey, you fat pig! Whose pants are those?!
And from inside, a voice responds with another shout:
Voice: Those pants belong to the whore mother who gave birth to you, you drunken asshole!
Then the drunk turns to his friend and says:
Drunk 1: See?
—
Q: What’s behind a woman who smiles?
A: The giant who’s blowing up the inflatable.
—
A drunk man gets up at four in the morning and goes to the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. He starts pounding on the door repeatedly. The caretaker comes out and says:
Caretaker: Sir, come back after eight.
And the drunk says:
Drunk Man: No, I came to erase my name.
—
An ant is making love to an elephant, and halfway through, the elephant dies of a heart attack. The ant says:
Ant: This is a disgusting life! Fifteen minutes of passion and the rest of your life digging a grave!
—
A black man and his wife were invited to a costume party. They decide to go to the store and choose a couple of costumes. At night, when the man comes home from work, he finds a Superman costume on the bed. He gets mad and tells his wife:
Man: Are you kidding me? Where have you ever seen a black Superman? Go back tomorrow and change it for something better.
The wife goes back to the store and exchanges the costume. When the husband sees the Batman costume on the bed, he gets even angrier and yells:
Man: Are you stupid?! Where have you ever seen a black Batman? Replace it with something else!
The wife goes back to the store, returns the costume, and buys three large white buttons, a wide white leather belt, and a long wooden crate of apples. When the husband gets home and finds those things on the bed, he says to his wife:
Man: What the hell is this? What am I supposed to wear?
The wife replies:
Wife: You put on the buttons, one on your chest, one on your navel, and the other on your you-know-what, and you dress up as a domino. If you don’t like it, you take off the buttons, put on the white belt, and you’re an Oreo cookie. And if you don’t like that either, you stick the piece of wood up your backside and go dressed as a chocolate ice cream.
—
Person 1: Why are you wearing those cowboy boots with the wide tops?
Person 2: So I can fit the hind legs of the sheep inside.
—
A lion born in a zoo is released into the jungle. Having never known any other wild animal, he walks around with a pencil and a notebook so as not to look like an idiot. He comes across another animal and asks:
Lion: What kind of animal are you?
Monkey: A monkey.
The lion writes down “Monkey” in his notebook. The monkey asks:
Monkey: What are you doing?
Lion: I’m taking notes, and then I’m going to eat you.
The monkey runs away in tears. The lion continues this with every animal he meets:
Lion: What kind of animal are you?
Zebra: A zebra…why?
Lion: I’m taking notes, and then I’m going to eat you.
And every animal flees in tears. Finally, he meets a strange animal:
Lion: What kind of animal are you?
Donkey: A donkey…why?
Lion: I’m taking notes, and then I’m going to eat you.
Donkey: But I’m lame!
Lion: Never mind, I’ll erase you from the list…
—
Person 1: Do you know the difference between a carrot and a… [whispers] …you know?
Person 2: No.
Person 1: Then be careful what you eat.
—
A dwarf walks into a bar, approaches the counter, and seeing that no one is on the other side, jumps into the air and shouts:
Dwarf: I want a juice!
He waits a while, and getting no answer, jumps again and again, screaming in the air:
Dwarf: I want a juice! … I want a juice!….
But nobody serves him. He’s going crazy until he gets to the end of the bar, where he sees the bartender, another dwarf, also jumping and shouting:
Bartender: Orange or grapefruit? … Orange or grapefruit? …
—
Two drunk men are driving in the countryside when they find a double-barreled shotgun on the ground.
Drunk 1: I wonder if this is a pair of binoculars?
He looks through the barrels.
Drunk 1: I can’t see shit!
The other drunk says:
Drunk 2: It must work by pulling this lever…
BOOM! The gun fires.
Drunk 2: Don’t look at me like that, dude, I just shit myself too!
—
Q: What can you use to sit, sleep, and clean your teeth?
A: A chair, a bed, and a toothbrush.
—
It’s the lion’s birthday, and all the animals bring him gifts. But since the lion was a bastard, every time he didn’t like a gift, he would beat up the animal who brought it. A zebra brought an orange, and the lion beat it up. A tortoise brought a carrot, and the lion beat it up. A monkey brought a grape, and the lion, tired of it all, was about to beat up the monkey too. But the monkey started to laugh. The lion asked:
Lion: What the hell are you laughing at, clown?
Monkey: Because here comes an ant with a watermelon!
—
A husband comes home at 11 am:
Husband: Maria, why are you naked in bed?
Wife: I don’t have anything to wear.
Husband: Why not? (Opens closet) Look! A dress, two coats, three dresses, four dresses, five dresses…
—
A woman enters a Persian carpet store. After a while, she sees one she loves and leans over to inspect it. She bends down to touch it and accidentally farts. A little worried, she looks around hoping no one has noticed, and to her surprise, the store owner is right next to her. He says:
Owner: Hello, Madam, how can I help you?
Embarrassed, she could only say:
Woman: Sir, how much is this rug?
Owner: Look, Madam, if you farted just by touching it, when I tell you the price, you’re going to shit yourself…
—
Customer: Sir, my cat just killed your dog.
Owner: No way, my dog is a Doberman.
Customer: And my cat is hydraulic.
—
A man and a woman were drinking beer when the woman, slightly drunk, says to the man:
Woman: You know, after two more beers, I’d do anything you want.
Man: Really? How about two liters?
—
On the last day of classes, the students bring gifts to the teacher. The florist’s son gives him a bouquet of flowers. The confectioner’s daughter gives him a nice box of chocolates. Then, the son of the liquor store owner arrives carrying a box. Upon receiving it, the teacher realizes that something has leaked through the bottom. He picks up a drop of the fluid with his finger and tastes it.
Teacher: Is it wine?
Boy: No.
Teacher: Champagne?
Boy: No.
Teacher: I give up. What is it?
Boy: A puppy!
—
Two friends are talking:
Friend 1: What’s bigger than two?
Friend 2: Six!
Friend 1: Up your ass I’ll stick it!
—
A group of dwarves on a road trip stop for some beers. After several rounds, they all need to use the bathroom. They park at a roadside bar, but they’re afraid to go in all together for fear of their car being robbed. So they decide to go in one by one. The first dwarf can’t find the bathroom, so he asks a drunk man where it is. The drunk looks at him and says:
Drunk Man: Down the hall to the right, the brown door…hic!
Another dwarf comes in and asks the same question.
Drunk Man: Over there to the right…hic!…brown door.
This continues until the drunk is getting annoyed. He stops them and says:
Drunk Man: Hey, which one of you wiseasses took apart the foosball table?!
—
A piglet asks its mother:
Piglet: Mom, why do I have a hole in my tail?
Mother Pig: Because if you had it in your back, you’d be a piggy bank.
—
A couple is in a car:
Husband: Are you comfortable, dear?
Wife: Yes, dear.
Husband: Is the seat comfortable?
Wife: Very comfortable.
Husband: Is the backrest too hard?
Wife: No, it’s perfect.
Husband: And do you have enough legroom?
Wife: Yes, dear.
Husband: Great, then would you mind switching seats with me?
—
A mariachi band is having a drink when a friend arrives with a bottle of tequila. He puts it on the table and says to the others:
Friend: Let’s drink to the mothers!
One of the mariachis replies:
Mariachi: And is the bottle just for show, or what?