The Ugly Duckling: A Humorous Tale of Misfortune
The Story of an Ugly Man
This isn’t a love story with a happy ending, but it’s the only story I have because I was born so ugly, so very ugly. When I was born, the doctor went to the waiting room and told my father, “We did what we could, but it came out.” My mom didn’t know whether to stay with me or with my placenta.
Premature and Unloved
Because I was premature, they put me in an incubator with polarized glass. My mother never breastfed me because she said she only wanted me as a friend. So instead of giving me her breast, she gave me her back. That’s why I’ve been a pony, so pony that instead of being a dwarf, I’m deep.
A Lifetime of Mishaps
As a kid, I’d go to the barracks and they’d yell at me: “Halt! Halt!” I’ve always been very hairy. My mother was always asked, “Madam, was your child born or woven?” My father carried a photo in his wallet of a child that was already in the wallet when he bought it. Once when I was lost, I asked the police if they thought I’d ever see my parents again, and they answered: “I don’t know, there are plenty of places where you could be hiding.”
Thin and Unattractive
I was very thin, so thin that one day I put my finger in a socket and the electricity didn’t even bother to kick me. I was really skinny; my shadow had to pass twice over the same spot. But my problem wasn’t being so skinny, it was being UGLY. My parents had to tie a steak around my neck so the dog would play with me.
The Unfortunate Ugly Duckling
Yes, friends, I’m ugly, so ugly that I was once hit by a car and I looked better. When I was kidnapped, the kidnappers sent my finger to my parents for ransom. My father said he wanted more proof. I think they didn’t pay the ransom because we were very poor at home, but yes, despite our financial situation, we were very honored. My father was so honored that one day he found work, and so he had to return the work. I had to work from childhood.
Life as an Adult
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how much I cost. One day a girl called my house saying, “Come to my house, there’s no one here.” When I got there, there was no one there. My wife loves to talk to me after sex. The other day she called home from a motel.
Mental Health and Other Misadventures
The psychiatrist once told me I was crazy. I told him I wanted a second opinion. “Okay, well you’re also ugly,” he said. Once when I was going to kill myself by jumping off the roof of a 50-story building, they sent a priest to give me some words of encouragement. His words were: “Ready, set, go!” The last wish of my father before he died was that I sit on his lap. He had been sentenced to the electric chair.
Other Humorous Anecdotes
The Determined Swimmer
In the 50-meter freestyle swimming trials, three Olympic swimmers stood out: an Englishman without arms, a Greek without legs, and a Spaniard with no arms or legs. The Englishman and the Spaniard started, and the Spaniard sank. After a minute, they decided to pull him out, and he, almost drowned, said: “Damn, I’ve been training for a year with my ears, and I forgot my cap!”
Mental Health Institute – Answering Machine
“Thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute, the most effective organization to deal with your moments of madness:
- If you have obsessive-compulsive disorder, repeatedly press the number 1.
- If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we already know who you are, what you do, and what you want, so wait in line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 on the giant colored phone that you (and only you) see to your right.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small inner voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter what number you dial, nothing will get you out of your unfortunate situation.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, email, social security number, bank account number, date of birth, place of birth, marital status, and your neighbors’ names.
- If you suffer from indecision, leave a message after the tone… or before the tone… or after the tone… or during the tone. In any case, wait for the tone.
- If you suffer from short-term memory loss, press 9. If you suffer from short-term memory loss, press 9. If you suffer from short-term memory loss, press 9. If you suffer from short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you are stingy and obsessive, it hurts terribly, and you always expect something in return for favors, beware! Hang up immediately because this call will cost you 100 pesos per minute…
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are attending to people more important than you.
If your problem is getting worse, it’s because we’re getting better for you.
Al Capone’s Letter to Baby Jesus
When Al Capone was little, he was writing a letter to baby Jesus.
“Dear baby Jesus, this year I have behaved very, very, very well.” He stops and thinks, “No, the truth is I haven’t behaved very, very, very well,” and tears it up.
“Dear baby Jesus, this year I have behaved very well.” He stops and thinks again, “No, the truth is I haven’t behaved very well,” and tears it up.
“Dear baby Jesus, this year I have behaved very well.” He stops and thinks, “No, the truth is I haven’t behaved very well, I can’t lie,” and tears it up.
“Dear baby Jesus, this year I’ve been good.” He thinks, “The truth is, I haven’t behaved well either, I can’t lie,” and tears up the letter again. He takes an image of the Virgin Mary by his side and starts writing again.
“Dear baby Jesus, I have kidnapped your mother. If you don’t bring me what I ask for, you won’t get her back ever.”