Understanding Anorexia: A Personal Story
Anorexia is a disorder of feelings
Anorexia is a disorder of feelings. The person tries to cope with how they are feeling by not eating or restricting their food. It is a tricking, lying disease. It promises you great things at the beginning, such as: “I would be skinny, which would make everyone love me and have lots of friends, happiness, and success, and that I would look pretty.” It is devious and cunning. So cunning, in fact, that sometimes you don’t even realize that it’s taking over you. It blocks out all your realistic thinking and your conscience.
I myself know that if you don’t eat enough, it can have negative effects on your health. But to me, anorexia is like a cloud or a thick fog. It comes and blocks out everything around me: my conscience, realistic thinking, my knowledge of right from wrong, and everything around me, so that it has complete control over me. It starts telling me what to do, what I’m allowed to eat, and when I’m allowed to eat (which is hardly anything for the whole day). It puts me down. It tells me that I’m not good enough, that my friends only like me because they feel sorry for me, that I am not smart enough for school, so that there’s no point even trying, and that my goals and dreams are unachievable. It twists people’s words.
It twists people’s words
One day, I visited my Granddad, who I hadn’t seen for a few months, and over these past couple of months, I had gained weight. He told me that I was starting to look good. Anorexia told me that I was getting fat and that I needed to lose weight. It tries to isolate me from my family and friends; it knows that they are trying to get me better; it has less of a chance of me listening to its voice when they are around. By isolating me, it has full control over me. Anorexia has no real future for me; in fact, its goal is to eventually kill me, but it does not tell me this. Instead, it promises me happiness and a better life. This is a big, fat lie. All it does is make everything worse.
It affects relationships
It affects the relationships with your family and friends; it causes a lot of tension, stress, and unnecessary arguments in your family. It makes your relationships worse because everyone doesn’t understand the extent of what you are going through. They think that all I need to do is put food in my mouth, and I will be cured. This, in turn, produces a lot of frustration and anger. Anorexia tries to ruin these relationships because it knows that my friends and family are trying to help me get better, which it doesn’t want to happen. It’s so devious that when it is isolating you and ruining your relationships with people, you don’t even realize that it’s happening until it’s too late.
It has full control over me
By isolating me, it has full control over me. This is when it plans what you can eat, when it puts you down and rages at you if you’ve eaten something it considers as “bad” (e.g., a chocolate bar). It’s very particular about what you’re allowed to eat. It makes extremely harsh rules. It allows me to eat fruit and vegetables, but it doesn’t like milk, dairy foods, and meat; and it doesn’t like me eating carbs unless they are wholegrain.
Getting weighed is hard
Getting weighed is hard for me; this is when it’s hardest for me to ignore Anorexia’s voice. If I have put on weight, it gets angry at me, and I mean really angry, and it tells me I’m a failure and that I need to try harder. If I have lost weight, it congratulates me and tells me to keep it up. At this time, it has a stronger voice than the people around me who are giving me different messages. It tries to prevent me from achieving my own goals. It is a very harsh disciplinarian. If I sit still, it yells at me: “You should be doing exercise to work off your last meal.” If I don’t exercise, it starts telling me how much I should reduce the amount I will be allowed to eat at the next meal. While I value kindness, caring, and my family and friends, Anorexia doesn’t care for any of these things, or my future or goals. It is selfishly and ruthlessly trying to destroy my life. That’s its only goal.