Wreck-It Ralph: A Bad Guy’s Quest for Goodness
Wreck-It Ralph: A Bad Guy’s Journey
Wreck-It Ralph: My name’s Ralph, and I’m a bad guy. Uh, let’s see… I’m nine feet tall, I weigh six hundred and forty-three pounds, got a bit of a temper on me. My passion level’s very near the surface, I guess, not gonna lie. Anyhoo, what else, uh… I’m a wrecker. I wreck things, professionally. I mean, I’m very good at what I do. Probably the best I know. Thing is, fixing’s the name of the game. Literally. Fix-It Felix Jr.
So yeah, naturally, the guy with the name Fix-It Felix is the good guy. He’s nice enough as good guys go. Definitely fixes stuff really well. But, uh, if you got a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be? If he was a regular contractor, carpenter guy, I guarantee you, you will not be able to fix the damage that I do as quickly.
When Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But, are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? To that, I say, ha! And no, there aren’t. For thirty years I have been doing this, and I have seen a lot of other games come and go, how sad. Think about those guys at Asteroids? Boom, gone. Centipede? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I’m very lucky. It’s just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job… when no one else seems to like you for doing it.
Bad-Anon and the Search for Acceptance
Wreck-It Ralph: Sometimes I think, man, it sure must be nice being the good guy.
[Bad-Anon members applaud]
Clyde: Nice share, Ralph. We’ve all felt what you’re feeling and we’ve come to terms with it.
Wreck-It Ralph: Really?
Zangief: Right here. I’m Zangief, I’m bad guy.
Bad-Anon Members: Hi Zangief.
Zangief: I relate to you, Ralph. When I hit bottom, I was crushing man’s skull like sparrow’s egg, between by thighs… and I think, why you have to be so bad, Zangief? Why can’t you be more like good guy? Then I have moment of clarity… if Zangief is good guy, who will crush man’s skull like sparrow’s eggs between thighs? And I say, Zangief you are bad guy, but this does not mean you are *bad* guy.
[Bad-Anon members agree]
Ralph’s Quest for a Medal
Wreck-It Ralph: I’m bad, and that’s good. I will never be good, and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be than me.
Wreck-It Ralph: Because if that little kid likes me, how bad can I be?
[Ralph returns to Vanellope with the fixed go-kart]
Friendship with Vanellope
Vanellope von Schweetz: What’s the big deal over that crummy medal, anyway?
Wreck-It Ralph: The big deal? Well, this may come as a shock to you, but in my game, I’m the bad guy, and I live in the garbage.
The True Meaning of Being Good
Wreck-It Ralph: The best part of my day, is when the Nicelanders throw me off the roof. Because when they lift me up, I get a perfect view of Sugar Rush, and I can watch Vanellope racing. The kid’s a natural, and the players love her, glitches and all, just like I knew they would.
[Over at Sugar Rush, Vanellope wins her race, fist-bumps the girl playing the game, receives her trophy, and then smiles and waves at Ralph]
Wreck-It Ralph: That’s when I realize… I don’t need a medal to tell me I’m a good guy. Because if that kid likes me…
[Ralph smiles contentedly]
Wreck-It Ralph: how bad can I be?
a>: how bad can I be?
Sergeant Calhoun: Do you know what the first rule of Hero’s Duty is, soldier?
Wreck-It Ralph: No cuts, no butts, no coconuts?
Vanellope von Schweetz: You could stay. You could have your own castle, where you can wreck and stink as much as you want, and no one would ever treat you badly ever again.
Wreck-It Ralph: Thanks. But I have a job to do. It may not be as fancy as being president but it’s my duty, and it’s a BIG duty!
[Vanellope Chuckles Bashfully]
Wreck-It Ralph: What’s going on in this candy-coated heart of darkness?
Fix-It Felix: Do you have any idea what you put me through? I’ve been pushed around, abused, slapped… I almost drowned in chocolate milk mix! And then I met the most dynamite gal… ah, she gave me the honey glow something awful! But, she rebuffed my affections… and then I got thrown in jail!
Wreck-It Ralph: Felix, get a hold of yourself!
Fix-It Felix: No, ralph! You don’t know what it’s like to be rejected and treated like a criminal.
Wreck-It Ralph: Yes I do… That’s every day of my life.
Fix-It Felix: It is?
Wreck-It Ralph: Which is why I tried to run away, be a good guy, but I’m not! I’m just a bad guy, and I need your help… There’s a little girl who’s only hope is this cart. Please, Felix, fix it. And I promise, I will never try to be good again.
Wreck-It Ralph: First, you have to fix this kart for me.
Fix-It Felix: I don’t have to do boo! Forgive my potty-mouth.
Wreck-It Ralph: They invited Pac-Man? That cherry-chasing dot-muncher isn’t even part of the game!
Vanellope von Schweetz: What’s your name?
Wreck-It Ralph: Ralph, Wreck-It Ralph.
Vanellope von Schweetz: Why are your hands so freakishly big?
Wreck-It Ralph: I don’t know. Why are you so freakishly annoying?
Vanellope von Schweetz: You really are a bad guy.
Vanellope von Schweetz: What? Speak up, I can’t hear you. Your breath is so bad it made my ears numb!
Wreck-It Ralph: [in the middle of “Hero’s Duty”] When did video games become so violent and scary?
Wreck-It Ralph: You’re a winner!
Vanellope von Schweetz: I’m a winner…
Wreck-It Ralph: And you’re adorable!
Vanellope von Schweetz: I’m ADORABLE!
Wreck-It Ralph: I flew a spaceship today!
Vanellope von Schweetz: You crashed it.
Wreck-It Ralph, Vanellope von Schweetz: Top shelf!
Clyde: Question, Ralph. We’ve been asking you to Bad-Anon for years now, and tonight you finally show up. Why is that?
Wreck-It Ralph: I dunno, I just felt like coming. I mean, I suppose it has something to do with the fact that uh… well, today’s the 30th anniversary of my game.
Saitine: Happy anniversary, Ralph.
Wreck-It Ralph: Thanks Satan.
Saitine: Uh, it’s “Saitine”.
Wreck-It Ralph: Got it. But here’s the thing… I don’t wanna be the bad guy anymore.
[the Bad-Anon members gasp]
Cyborg: You can’t mess with the program, Ralph!
M. Bison: You’re not going Turbo, are you?
Wreck-It Ralph: Turbo? No, I’m not going Turbo! Common guys! Is it “Turbo” to want a friend? Or a medal? Or a piece of pie every once and awhile? Is it “Turbo” to want more out of life?
Zombie: Yes.
Clyde: Ralph, Ralph, we get it. But we can’t change who we are. The sooner you accept that, the better off your game and your life will be.
Zangief: Hey, one game at a time, Ralph.
Clyde: Now let’s close out the with Bad Guy affirmation.
Clyde, Saitine, Cyborg, M. Bison, Zombie, Zangief, Bad-Anon Members: I’m bad, and that’s good. I will never be good, and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be then me.
[first lines]
Wreck-It Ralph: My name’s Ralph, and I’m a bad guy. Uh, let’s see… I’m nine feet tall, I weigh six hundred and forty three pounds, got a bit of a temper on me. My passion level’s very near the surface, I guess, not gonna lie. Anyhoo, what else, uh… I’m a wrecker. I wreck things, professionally. I mean, I’m very good at what I do. Probably the best I know. Thing is, fixing’s the name of the game. Literally. Fix-It Felix Jr. So yeah, naturally, the guy with the name Fix-It Felix is the good guy. He’s nice enough as good guys go. Definitely fixes stuff really well. But, uh, if you got a magic hammer from your father, how hard can it be? If he was a regular contractor, carpenter guy, I guarantee you, you will not be able to fix the damage that I do as quickly. When Felix does a good job, he gets a medal. But, are there medals for wrecking stuff really well? To that, I say, ha! And no, there aren’t. For thirty years I have been doing this, and I have seen a lot of other games come and go, how sad. Think about those guys at Asteroids? Boom, gone. Centipede? Who knows where that guy is, you know? Look, a steady arcade gig is nothing to sneeze at, I’m very lucky. It’s just, I gotta say, it becomes kinda hard to love your job… when no one else seems to like you for doing it.
Wreck-It Ralph: [gives a cherry to the homeless Qbert and Co] Here you go, guys. It’s fresh from Pac-Man.
Fix-It Felix: Oh my LAND…
Turbo: Because of you, Ralph, I’m now the most powerful virus in the arcade! I should thank you. But… it’d be more fun to kill you!
King Candy: It’s game over for both of you!
Wreck-It Ralph: No… Just for me!
Wreck-It Ralph: Sometimes I think, man, it sure must be nice being the good guy.
[Bad-Anon members applaud]
Clyde: Nice share, Ralph. We’ve all felt what you’re feeling and we’ve come to terms with it.
Wreck-It Ralph: Really?
Zangief: Right here. I’m Zangief, I’m bad guy.
Bad-Anon Members: Hi Zangief.
Zangief: I relate to you, Ralph. When I hit bottom, I was crushing man’s skull like sparrow’s egg, between by thighs… and I think, why you have to be so bad, Zangief? Why can’t you be more like good guy? Then I have moment of clarity… if Zangief is good guy, who will crush man’s skull like sparrow’s eggs between thighs? And I say, Zangief you are bad guy, but this does not mean you are *bad* guy.
[Bad-Anon members agree]
Wreck-It Ralph: Right… I’m sorry, you lost me there.
Zombie: Zombie! Bad guy!
Wreck-It Ralph, Bad-Anon Members: Hi Zombie.
Zombie: Zangief saying labels not make you happy. Good, bad, nggghhhh… you must love you.
Cyborg: Yeah!
[Performs a Heart-rip Fatality on Zombie]
Cyborg: Inside here!
Wreck-It Ralph: Everything changes, NOW!
Sergeant Calhoun: It’s “make your mommas proud” time!
Wreck-It Ralph: I love my mamma!
Wreck-It Ralph: I’m not leaving you here alone!
Vanellope von Schweetz: It’s not gonna work…
Wreck-It Ralph: We gotta try!
Wreck-It Ralph: Felix? Mary? Anyone?
Gene: Well, look who showed up.
Wreck-It Ralph: Gene, where is everybody?
Gene: They all left. After Felix went to looking for you and didn’t come back, everyone panicked and abandoned ship.
Wreck-It Ralph: Okay, I’ll go find Felix and bring him back…
Gene: It’s too late, Ralph. Mr Litwak’s pulling our plug in the morning. However, never let it be said that I’m not a man of my word. The place is yours Ralph.
[tosses the penthouse key at Ralph]
Gene: Enjoy.
Wreck-It Ralph: Gene, I didn’t want any of this to happen…
Gene: Then what did you want?
Wreck-It Ralph: I don’t know! I was just sick of living alone in the garbage!
Gene: Well, now you can live alone in the penthouse.
Wreck-It Ralph: The big deal? Well, this may come as a shock to you, but in my game, I’m the bad guy, and I live in the garbage.
Vanellope von Schweetz: Cool!
Wreck-It Ralph: No, not cool! Unhygienic, and lonely, and boring… and that crummy medal, was going to change all that. I bring that baby home I’ll get fireworks, ice sculptures, pies! It’s grown up stuff, a kid wouldn’t understand.
Vanellope von Schweetz: No, I get it! That’s exactly what racing would do for me!
Wreck-It Ralph: Well guess what?
Vanellope von Schweetz: What?
Wreck-It Ralph: News flash for you… neither one of us is getting what we want!
Wreck-It Ralph: What’s going on in this candy-coated heart of darkness?
Sour Bill: [scared] nothing…
Wreck-It Ralph: Then TALK!
Sour Bill: [deep voice] no!
Vanellope von Schweetz: Hey, why are your hands so freakishly big?
Wreck-It Ralph: Uh, I don’t know. Why are you so freakishly annoying?
Vanellope von Schweetz: I bet you really gotta watch where you step in a game called “Hero’s Doodie”!
[breaks into laughter]
Vanellope von Schweetz: [after a trial run] So how’d I do?
Wreck-It Ralph: Uh… well, you almost blew up the whole mountain…
Vanellope von Schweetz: Right, right. That’s a good note.
Wreck-It Ralph: I’m gonna wreck it!
Vanellope von Schweetz: [Ralph pounds a jawbreaker]
Vanellope von Schweetz: What a moron. Hey genius, it’s a jawbreaker, you’re never gonna break…
Vanellope von Schweetz: [Ralph cracks the jawbreaker]
Vanellope von Schweetz: Huh.
[looking in the back room of Tapper’s, Ralph pulls out red underwear]
Wreck-It Ralph: Oh, come on Zangief… Gross!
Vanellope von Schweetz: [trapped in Sugar Rush] Just go, Ralph. It’s okay.
Wreck-It Ralph: [takes Calhoun’s hoverboard] Mind if I borrow this? I’ve got some wrecking to do!
Wreck-It Ralph: I’m a wrecker, not a baker.